Love is not meant to hurt. When you say I do, it's forever. Ask any 19 year old, and that's their full understanding of true love.

Well, that was true for me, anyway. At 19, I said "I do", with every expectation that we would drive off into the sunset and live "happily ever after". I had fallen in love with a dream, one that would not last.

Little did I know that I was in for a world of pain. At 19 I was married. At 24, the marriage was over, I was separated with 2 kids and no cooking clue how I would make it. I realised that marriage did not mean you loved someone. That the dream of being a bride, did not translate into a couple deeply in love with each other.

Eventually, when the dust settled and I recovered enough to search again, I thought that the relationship failed because I was so young and it was the wrong person. So once again, I threw myself into finding true love.

Mum, if you are reading this, perhaps skip the next few paragraphs. It may erase your belief that I am an innocent, wide eyed little girl. Finding love in this era, means some using some sort of digital platform. My inexperienced younger self, with relatively no dating experience, was introduced to Tinder around 2014. I came from a very conservative, highly religious family. Dating, sex, love was barely talked about. I was young, desperate for love, excitement and fun. I found it. Loads of it on Tinder. They said I was beautiful. I said I was open for anything. I threw myself on the platform and loved the freedom I found.

I can't say I had any bad experiences on Tinder. Far from it. I met some interesting people and had some fun conversations. Maybe it was the luck that I didn't meet any psychos or end up with any crazies, but it definitely opened my eyes to the fact that I could find my person. It ignited my desire to find true love.

Although some people did find love on Tinder, I was not one of those people. However social media did help.

Being married, taught me that just making a commitment to a person, does not mean you love them. Falling in love for the first time, taught me that Love is not enough. The first time I experienced falling in love, was years after my divorce. It was a long distance relationship that never worked out. For a young mom, finding love, then having it taken was devastating. How often, do you find someone you truly feel like you love, and who accepts you with all the "baggage" you have? How often can you chat to someone endlessly and feel like you can keep talking to them? Then one day it just stops.

I was not prepared for this. I was not prepared to be a helpless single mum again. I was not prepared for the days and nights of loneliness that left me on the brink of despair. The reality that "Love" had in fact hurt me, left me broken and devastated. I thought that this was my last chance to live the dream.

Again, being so naive and inexperienced led to bad choices, unresolved anger and another round of my depression. Eventually, I shoved the nagging feeling of loneliness deep down and found solace in being alone. For the first time, I didn't go looking for love. And then it found me. I found the love of my life, in a small office cubicle. He was calm and steady. He spoke to me like he knew me all his life. I resisted and pushed him away. I was afraid and often my insecurities flared.

It seems all my life, I understood love to be one thing. The yearning to be with someone all the time, the excitement of feeling my heart begin to race when he was close by or the magical first kisses that I felt long after the impromptu dates. We talked endlessly. My mind was filled with new ideas and dreams. I had no idea what I was missing, until May 2018 when I met a very special man.

This time the discovery that love can also hurt, has been a surprise. Love exposes you for who you really are. Being vulnerable with him, letting him see everything, the good, the bad the ugly, caused quite a bit of pain.

I was lucky, the 4 years he stood by me, he saw every bit of ugly and never stopped loving me.

I have a strange relationship with God (another thing to figure out). But, if there is a reason to believe He exists and is on my side, all I need to do, is look at the people who have journey with me. I stumbled across a soul who willingly stuck by me through the ugly. Moreover, empowered me to work on getting past it. Long after the relationship ended, I felt his loved linger.

The beauty I am beginning to find, is that although love can hurt, the best kind also brings healing.

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On Finding Love

2022-07-14

What is love? Baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me, no more... - Haddaway